Simple magic.

They're back: my Magic Bullet crew! They actually don't appear until the 2:30 mark of the video. And what a long 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Boring. We get it...now Magic Bullet can go anywhere. How do you clean it though? With spit and leaves? I guess you can dip in the water when you're on the boat (margarita slop is great for the environment!). So, when we visit my crew at the 2:30 mark, Mick (who has a Scottish brogue...what are the chances?) and his new gal (I don't think this is Mimi?) come back from a hike to cook for their friends. The ladies have moved on to new dudes (so they're omelet whores AND complete whores) and Berman by himself again. Everyone looks like they shopped LL Bean's Spring catalog, except Berman, who looks like a Boy Scout molester. How about all of the natural ingredients brought along while camping? Omlet ingredients, iced coffee ingredients and (don't we all bring milk when camping? It keeps so well!), fresh fruit (again, keeps well). Who comes to the rescue to alert these bitches that flapjacks are a real camping food? Hazel, who returns Bermans socks while calling him "big boy." How are socks involved in sexy time? Mouth gags to keep the noise down? They couldn't have been that loud the night before because everyone was surprised they were doing the humpty hump the night before. BTW, they're pretty judgemental. Hazel and Berman finally get some and everyone is repulsed. Nice friends! Additionally, why is Berman so grouchy after getting laid? Maybe Hazel's "sock trick" didn't do it for him. They chop garlic, onions, etc. We've seen it before, although seeing it while camping makes it seem all the more treacherous. Not a cutting board in the woods! The video (Part 1) ends with making 3 bean chili, which was not made using the product, but rather a skillet. Great marketing!


Onto Part 2! Actually, I'm kind of bored with my crew in Part 2. Making more chicken salad? Egg salad? No one eats that shit unless it comes from a vending machine at work. Well, except the guy who creams his shorts at the 1:27 second mark when he SEES the egg salad. The 3 bean chili is ready and it looks like runny caca. Then, as my crew is about to get freaky deaky on the beach, the video ends. What happens at the beach? Does Mick build sandcastles with the Magic Bullet mugs? Do Berman and Hazel go to the beach or hang back at camp for more sock fun? Guess we'll never know.

Just remember: "You can do any job, anywhere, in 10 seconds or less." Slut!

Driving the ladies wild.

Ever want to try out growing a stache, but fear jealousy and retaliation from non-stache buds? Well, click the link so you can see what you look like with a stache. Or you can draw on a photo of yourself. Ghetto, but effective.

Chicago may need 2nd Prohibition

Yeah, Peavy in Wrigleyville might not be the smartest idea! He'll never be a match for Orton though. Orton's an average leader on the field, but he's a hardcore player off the field! Just view the man, the myth, the legend:

A bit early...

Blogging about Christmas specials reminded me of the only holiday with the airing of grievances. In case you don't own Seinfeld episodes on dvd, the Festivus episode is airing tonight at 9 pm EST/8 pm CST. Countdown til the 23rd!

End of several eras

Five Gadgets That Were Killed by the Cellphone

In summary, since you too probably own an iPhone and no longer need anything else in your life:
1. PDA
2. camera
3. UMPC
4. telephone
5. MP3

What? No shoutout to the payphone? For kicks sometime, try to work the idea of a payphone into conversation with someone under 18 years old. The blank look they get is priceless. Remember being in latch key and calling your parents collect to come pick you up, only they'd deny the call without having to pay? Sometimes older is still better. Now, everyone (including children, which still seems ridiculous to me) has $200 monthly cell phone bills to replace gadgets that cost a fraction of that price and they didn't have any monthly charges. No wonder the economy is in the toilet!

Why are calculators in the photo for the article, but yet not on the list? Do cell phones calculate derivatives and I don't know it?

I guess it's better than Scandinavia.

Canada the future world power?

The US might be in for hard times, while Russia and Canada strike it rich. I'm officially frightened: Hockey will be poised to become the dominant global sport!

Handy for the Holidaze

Christmas Specials List

I'm Catholic, so it's doesn't affect me. But why aren't there any non-Christmas specials? Many of these specials on the list are old and won't be updated. But, I thought about this when watching "Shrek the Hallls" the other night and wondering why Shrek and Fiona are celebrating Christmas. Why mention a specific holiday at all? Why can't Shrek be a Jew? Or maybe Fiona's family celebrates Kwaanza? They're Ogres! I'm just saying it's one of the more recent "Specials" that's going to be replayed every year. Why not more sensitive to the melting pot of America?

Personally, I think they should've celebrated Festivus.

XXX-Men?

I like superhero movies, comics, tv shows, etc. I even watched that garbage reality show where people pretended to be superheroes fighting crime. The fat lady with the doughnut utility belt was my favorite.

When I saw an article about a potentially new X-men series of movies, I was stoked. However, now I'm thinking it's not such a good idea. Upon doing a quick search for a photo to go with this post (I searched X-men first class, shadowcat, colossus...), I discovered there's a lot of "fans" out there who draw homemade porno drawings of X-Men characters. I don't know that society needs more material to fuel these people. Some of the lesbian drawings between Rogue and Jean Grey are hot. I'm just saying. But so wrong to draw comic book heroes sucking gentials and with "stains" all over them!

So, I'm not really looking forward to another X-Men movie anymore.

Bah humbug!

I got the following email forward. Not sure if you need to worry about some of these stores, but seems like to good idea to keep in mind that gift cards are a gamble in this economy. That being said, who buys gift acrs to the "Piercing Pagoda?"

Stores that are planning to close after Christmas are still selling the cards through the holidays even though the cards will be worthless January 1. There is no law preventing them from doing this. On the contrary, it is referred to as 'Bankruptcy Planning). Below is a partial list of stores that you need to be
cautious about.

Circuit City (filed Chapter 11)
Ann Taylor- 117 stores nationwide closing
Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug ,and Catherine's to close 150 stores nationwide
Eddie Bauer to close stores 27 stores and more after January
Cache will close all stores
Talbots closing down specialty stores
J. Jill closing all stores (owned by Talbots)
Pacific Sunwear (also owned by Talbots)
GAP closing 85 stores
Footlocker closing 140 stores mo re to close after January
Wickes Furniture closing down
Levitz closing down remaining stores
Bombay closing remaining stores
Zales closing down 82 stores and 105 after January
Whitehall closing all stores
Piercing Pagoda closing all stores
Disney closing 98 stores and will close more after January.
Home Depot closing 15 stores 1 in NJ ( New Brunswick )
Macys to close 9 stores after January
Linens and Things closing all stores
Movie Galley Closing all stores
Pep Boys Closing 33 stores
Sprint/Nextel closing 133 stores
JC Penney closing a number of stores after January
Ethan Allen closing down 12 stores.
Wilson Leather closing down all stores
Sharper Image closing down all stor~s
K B Toys closing 356 stores
Loews to close down some stores
Dillard's to close some stores

A rite of passage protection.

Time ran an article about a service by Google has to prevent emailing a lovah when you're too drunk. Email? Seriously, are the kids today are so technologically absorbed they can't even get belligerent on the phone anymore? I mean, the fun part of this rite of passage ("drunk dialing") is that it's the Russian roulette method to deciding the relationship. If either side hangs up, they don't care and it's over. If they stay on the phone, they're either in love, or in lust, and hoping to squeak out at least one more booty call before it's offically over. I once fell asleep on a girlfriend who drunk dialed me:

Her, after suspecting I'm catching z's:
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!" Silence.
"DO YOU EVEN CARE?!!" Silence.
Me, trying to wake up:
"Yeah, I'm listening. You're so loud I have to hold the phone away from my ear."

I think it's funny the photo in the Time article has a guy contemplating "drunk emailing." What self-respecting man gets hammered and starts thinking about his relationship? Isn't it always the exact opposite? "Oh shit, my girl wanted me to call her if we left the bar. Oh well, my cell won't get any reception at the strip club."

Condom storage

When my wife and I were dating, I used to buy economy packs of rubbers (oh yeah!) and kept them in a junk drawer. My gal, at the time, thought that a tad uncooth. So, she had some free hand lotions she kept in a plastic Chinese take-out box and I took the box to hold rubbers. To this day, she still makes fun of me for keeping condoms in a fake take-out box, when she's the one who didn't want them in a drawer next to the bed. Why am I telling you this pathetic and weird story? Because I recently saw THIS online: Lifestyles condoms (which, I'm not kidding, was the brand of condoms I used) is having celebrities design boxes of condoms for charity auction...and Ashley Judd chose a fake Chinese take-out box!! See, not so weird, huh? She's smoking hot and likes rubbers in trashy, completely obvious containers.

Looking back, that's the funny part of my "classy" move to hide condoms. I had 2 roommates at the time and our apartment was a filthy bachelor pad (my room was a disaster). Looking back, it would've been hilarious to have walked by my disaster of a room with a purple plastic Chinese take-out box constantlly sitting on a table next to my bed. Anywhore, if you or someone you know needs somewhere completely obvious to store condoms, while blatantly advertising that you enjoying fucking a lot, tell them to get a Chinese condom storage box. Even celebrities use them!

Learning is fun.

Ever feel like school was a waste and you were never going to use anything presented to you in school? Well, it was and you haven't. Same with me. That's why discovering the "Word of the Day" on Urban Dictionary has changed my outlook on learning. No longer do I feel studying is a wasted effort. For example, today's "Word of the Day":

Salsa Fucked
This phenomenon occurs when dining at a Mexican restaurant with a large group and the salsa is not distributed evenly throughout the table. The areas of the table that do not have ample amounts of salsa are "salsa fucked."
Jeff, all of the salsa is at the other end of the table, yo.
I know, we got Salsa Fucked.

I know what you're thinking. "Salsa Fucked" is a phrase, not a word. True, but who cares with impportnant lessons like this. Do you know how many times I've been robbed of salsa at Mexican joints and didn't even know to call someone a Salsa Fucker?! Lessons for life, kids.

I couldn't help but notice yesterday's Word of the Day was "screwvenir." We've all left stuff behind (or had others leave crap) in our rush to complete the walk 'o' shame home. But what degenerate actually swipes something before leaving? Clepto sluts!

Old friends.

Tinking (typo, but I'm leaving it) about Miss Cleo reminded me of the only other infomercial I've sat and watched, in entirety, over and over again: The Magic Bullet informercial. Let's dissect this gem:



* The Scottish dude and his high maintenance wife (you know Mimi don't cook!) hosted a sleepover and now their houseguests are hungry. Forget actually using all of the appliances in that huge gourmet kitchen. All they need is the Magic Bullet to create food in intervals so that no one eats at the same time!

* Then the drunk, single friend/cousin/brother comes down with a hangover. He must've been drinking alone because everyone else is so happy I think they're faking being hungry and are actaully ready for sightseeing.

* Why are they so happy? Maybe this is an ad for getting friends together at someone's house, getting freaky all night and then waking up for breakfast? I get it. The Magic Bullet is a sex metaphor: "1,2,3 seconds is all it takes."

* Hazel pops in and you realize she hit the sauce last night too. Alone. Poor gal. If she'd of ditched the moo-moo and the cigs, I'm sure Vernon would've banged her. Although, it sounded like Mimi called him "Vermin." High maintenance bitch!

* What a wacky food demo: breakfast quickly turns into garlic, salsa, curry, mayo, BBQ from the night before. Who wants to look at and smell that crap after a night of swinging and couple swapping. Delicious!

* Then the story ends. Does anyone get to eat? Are plans made for another sleepover? I guess I'll never know until they're added to a list years from now, just like Miss Cleo.


Seriously, this shit should get permission to compete for the short film Academy Award. Instant classic!

Ah, these were the days.

This is a cool list I found of the top 40 missing people from the headlines. I'll link to the top 5, but you can go back through the list to look at others like Tonya Harding, Where's the Beef lady and Amy Fisher.

Where are these messes now?

The top 5 include:
5. The Encyclopedia Britannica dude: I never realized how annoying and rude he is in the commercial. What'd the announcer ever do to him? Somebody should've broke his mandibula!
4. The Bee Girl: she should be lower on this list. Who cares.
3. Miss Cleo: I know white people who do bettter Jamaican accents. That being said, Miss Cleo needed a sitcom. Her infomercials were the shit.
2. The Lifecall lady: who knew this commercial had so much contraversy? I just remember when I was a kid we'd always quote this commercial when we fell down.
1. Lorena Bobbit: shouldn't this evil woman have been burned at the stake years ago? I undertsand why she chopped his willy, but throwing it out a car window was just low class!

A psycho whore is number #1. How fitting!

Tis the season...

...to smoke a bowl and watch Christmas specials!

2008 X-mas Specials Schedule

They have "Prancer" on this list, but not "Scrooged?" That's just wrong.