Saturday, January 31, 2009

Some good lists from Television Without Pity

Upcoming movies

Most and least lloked forward too returning TV shows

TV Shows that were cancelled too early!

Octoplets doing better; release statement about loony mother.

This story is turning into one big mess. This is good news for me because I hate people like the Duggars and the Jon & Kate family (don't know their last name). Actually, Jon and Jon's kids seem OK, but they're stuck with mega-anal bitchy Kate. The Duggars I don't like for obvious reasons: the Duggar men worship Satan and the Duggar women marry his offspring. Just kidding. Satan's offspring have eyes.

No, I don't like these people because while childbirth is a miracle and parenthood is a challenge, the multiple births people one minute complain "poor us, we have so many kids and need help" and in the next minute preach about how much better they are than every other parent out there. Basically, I can do your parenting job times ten.

Naturally, when I heard a woman was giving birth to octoplets I was thrilled. Oh good, another perfect, large family that will need helping hands or handouts their whole life. Everything was great, the nation was inspired and the hospital doctors were bragging. Then some nosey reporter wondered, "How come no father is being mentioned?" Now, the flood gates have opened and the train wreck revealed. In a nutshell, the mother of the octoplets already has 6 kids, ranging in ages 2 through 7 (2 of the kids being twins), she's 33 years old, she lives at home with her parents and is single. What a prize catch she is: homeless, single mother with 14 kids!

Now grandma wants some publicity and confirmed what we all ready know: her daughter is loony. All 14 kids have been from in-vitro procedures and the new mom got paid to have all of them. Medical experts are investigating how she got paid and what doctors performed the in-vitro so often. According to experts, the technology is so advance these days that a 2 embryo implant ion usually works (so 8 embryos is reckless).

What most people don't know is that it's illegal for a doctor to implant more than 3 embryos at one time. Seems like the U.S. may now need legislation for the same. In the meantime, this woman (and her mom) will milk the famewhore cow as much as they can. it's the American way!

There's fans and the there's you-have-too-much-time-on-your-hands fans.

While searching for GI Joe pics I came accross THIS blog with lots of fans dressed as the Baroness. Gems like below should not be ignored in cyberspace.
Destro is big wonder the Baroness was all over his jock. He needs to layoff Cobra burgers.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra tease

As a kid there were really only two toy lines that I had EVERY product made: Star Wars and GI Joe. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of other toy groups: Transformers, He-Man, Go-Bots (aka Ghetto Transformers), Thundercats. But I had EVERY Star Wars and GI Joe character. So naturally, after George Lucas robbed and raped my childhood memories by creating Star Wars Eps. I, II and III, I was skeptical hearing a live-action version of GI Joe was being made. Early photos like these seemed promising...

...but I wasn't sold. The proof is in the pudding and tomorrow during the Superbowl the proof will be revealed: the trailer for the GI Joe movie will air. Entertainment Tonight (I can't believe this show is still on and Mary Hart is alive.) aired a quick clip from the trailer and it looks real sweet. Check it out below (or for better quality click HERE):

So, now I'm hyped up to see this trailer. With my luck it'll air when I get up to piss. Below is a fan video compiling all of the movie photos released of characters and describing the actors casted in the flick.

I gotta say something: Lady Jaye probably gave me one of my first boners as a kid and her not being in the movie is a crime. Karolina Kourkova is hot, but Cover Girl wasn't a real Joe. Lady Jaye knows how to handle a spear.

I obviously knew this even as a young horndog.

Happy Superbowl

With the US economy down, I guess the Superbowl is not immune either. Ad sales and ticket sales are down at cheap prices. But don't let that dampen our spirits. Even if you're not a sports fan or a drunk, it's still a day to chill, relax and not feel guilty about doing nothing because Monday work awaits. With that said, here's a Superbowl inspired commercial that is really funny:

Was it just me or were last year's Superbowl commercials a let down? Bud usually has one or 2 good ones, but it's not like the old Superbowl commercials of yore. You don't have to spend big bucks on creativity!

BTW, everyone's rooting for the Steelers, so I'm rooting for the Cardinals. I always have the underdog's back. And Kurt Warner seems like a class act and an average joe.

Thursday, January 29, 2009 "meat" at all?

I always thought vegetarian chicks were about not shaving their legs and pits, while listening to Ani DiFranco getting ready for Lillith Fair. Not true! They're about hitting the veggie aisle for some love and intimacy. Now THIS (see my Snuggie ppost below) is a cult I can get with. I'm drinking this cool-aid like a thirsty, veggie mofo!

The Snuggie: backwards robe = backwards record playing = Satan

Satan put a patent on a backwards robe. He's marketing it as a "warm blanket with sleeves." Don't drink the cool-aid, kiddies.

Welcome to Hoggwarts, Professor!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Everyone loves sequels.

OK, no one loves sequels to movies. Mostly because they suck and never compare to original movies. And sometimes they suck so bad, they destroy to entire franchise and/or the original flick (Matrix Revolutions, anyone?). Get ready because there's a ton of sequel movies being planned/filmed. Here's a rundown of some high profile projects, for better or for worse:

1. Shreks 4 and 5: Because you're never told old to pimp your kid into watching ogre fart jokes.
2. Jurassic Park 4: Spielberg might continue destroying his franchises (ala Indy Jones and the Crystal Skull) by picking up this tired story-telling again.
3. I Am Legend 2: reversing a plot twist (in this case death) to create a sequel is a classic move. Why not commit fully and make Omega Man 2?
4. Thomas Crown Affair 2: I'm a huge fan of Pierce Brosnan's remake of the original, but shouldn't this have been done years ago when he was young enough to pull it off?
5. Beverly Hills Cop 4: were there 3 movies already made? I'm in shock.

Sam Adams is gay. And wants to Breedlove.

Never heard of a gay beer before? Yeah, me neither. That's why the gay Sam Adams I'm referring to is the Mayor of Portland, Oregon. In a nutshell, the Mayor did some freaky lovin' with one of his interns. Not that surprising of a scandal for a politician to find himself in. Hell, even the intern being under 18 and a male isn't that shocking for a political scandal. Par for the course, I'd say. The most scandalous part? The interns last name is Breedlove. How fitting! I bet he did breed some love.

Many people get drunk on Sam Adams. Only Sam Adams would get drunk on Breedlove.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Roping up the Lord

Speaking of wacky Christian groups with nothing better to do, HERE is an article about cowboy churches. You know, a plate of Jesus with a side helping of animal cruelty. I know, it's not cool to make fun, especially about religion. And I agree. Which is why I'm making fun of rodeo numbnuts.

"It appeals to you because it's 'come as you are,'" said Chris Maddox, who attends the Cowboy Church of Ellis County. "You don't feel judged based on how you're dressed, how you talk, how you look. We're not asking somebody to be something they're not."
Call me crazy, but I remember, when I was a kid, having to dress up for church: collared shirt, khakis at a minimum, no sneakers of sandals. You'd get turned away in jeans. Nowadays, people attend church in t-shirts and shorts. So what is he talking about "come as you are?" How much more lazy can church attire get? I'm thinking the dress-code for cowboy church is undershirts and sweatpants...and if they're stain-free even better, y'all!

Some Baptist leaders say their cowboy churches have grown so quickly because they offer an alternative for those who associate churches with long sermons and pressure to donate or accept Jesus as their savior.
What's the point of going to mass again? My bad, I thought it was accepting God into your life through teachings, but it's hogtying calfs. Seriously, do people really need more of an incentive to attend church? If you're too lazy to go, than maybe you're not dedicated enough to go. And if someone is bored in a mass, why the need for rodeo entertainment? Again, I would think this would be distracting from the...I don't know...the religious lessons being taught?

Churchgoers wear cowboy hats and jeans, sing hymns accompanied by a country band and get baptized in horse troughs.
Whooooaaa, hold up a sec. Baptisms in horse troughs? I'm sold. I'll start up my own cowboy church to see that shit!

If U Seek Amy fast. If U Seek Amy hard.

Britney is back on her game again. Not only is she hot again (although rather than school-girl hot she's now milf-next-door hot), but she's causing controversy like back in the day. Her new single, If U Seek Amy, is upsetting conservative parent watchdog groups. Are there explicit lyrics? Nope. Is the video raunchy? Nope, no video yet to complain about. So what's the big deal? Say the title real fast and YOU MIGHT figure it out, although I had trouble recognizing the raciness (and it's debatable how racy it is). When said fast, the title (and chorus) of the song sounds like you're spelling out F.U.C._Me. Try it again. Do you fell dirty now? Yeah, I didn't think so.

In any case, thanks to these groups, she'll probably sell a billion records now and this so-so song will be the first mega-hit of 2009. Congrats!

Here's the song. You might need earmuffs. It's soooo filthy.

New looks for 2009

Since 2009 is shapping up to be about the theme of change, I think I need to change my look. Here are some ideas I have to make a splash on the local scene. And by local scene, I mean my local schizophenics anonymous meetings. We meet once week. Or maybe we don't. Why do you want to know when we meet? Do you have any tin foil? I need to cover my windows to keep the GPS signals out of my house.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Scan my photos

Not sure if I even have 1000 photos that need scanning, but THIS seems like a good idea if one doesn't need a scanner.

Things Every Man Should Do

In honor of Esquire’s seventy-fifth anniversary, the magazine looked at seventy-five things, from flying a Cessna to building a reputation, that every man should do before he dies. Some of the suggestions are cheesy (put a letter in a library book), impractical (halucinate in the desert on drugs) or just plain retarded (build a reputation as a badass), but there were some that make you think about your life right now and how you can shake it up. Just a bit.

Here's a cheat list of some of the cooler ones (and more feasible):
* play rugby
* repair an appliance
* fly the red eye from Vegas
* fly a Cessna
* fast for 3 days (water only)
* drive coast to coast
* do a flip off a driving board and nail it
* drink mescal in Mexico
* start something that scares you
* have a threesome
* get good at a sport thats not a sport
* listen to war stories
* sing in public
* give a panhandler all the money in your wallet
* make beer, wine or moonshine
* have sex in a body of water
* eat haggis, tongue,testicles, kidneys or brain
* walk 20 miles
* save something from the dump
* climb something you're afraid of
* get a deep tissue massage
* sleep outside for a week
* put $100 on a long-shot to win
* peg the speedometer

Now presenting: Wad

This is awesome! Ever wonder (if you had musical talent...) what your band name would be, what your album would look like and be titled? You can click the links below and come up with the concept album title and cover art for your imaginary hipster band. For example, I'm in a new hiptronica band called "Wad" and I just released my first album, titled "a form of imitation." See, illusions of grandeur already. Someone sign me to their label, stat!

If you’re a big music fan and you’ve at least wondered, “How’d they come up with that album title/band name?”, then you have to try this. It works and it's as simple as clicking the links below.

The CD Cover Game:

1. The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

2. The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

3. The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Sun down on Sundance

I saw this link and thought it would be cool to check out and post about. It's a list of 25 BUZZ FILMS AT SUNDANCE on E! online. Sundance usually has some breakout films early in the year that become small indy hits. Here's the thing: this years movies blow! Robin Williams as a wired/crazy father? Ashton Kutcher as a gigolo (OK, not a stretch, but do you care)? Richard Gere as a beat cop? Jim Carrey as a gay cop? WTF happened to Sundance? I've posted trailers for the only 2 movies that look worthy of viewing...and by worthy I mean getting drunk or high and laugh your butt off while watching how bad they are. They're both comedies right?!


Friday, January 16, 2009

Wimp principal if I ever saw one.

I remember being afraid of my principals. Men who were nice at school events and smiled/waved in the hall, but turned into fire-spewing demons when you got called into their office. Chewed your ass out so you wouldn't forget. That being said, watch the clip below. The principal calls 2 boys into his office to lecture them about gettin too frisky on the dancefloor with chicks. The boys make a lecture into the opportunity to mock and ridicule (which is hilarious, BTW). But the principal just watches, let's them mock the situation and then sends them away. WTF? There is something wrong with disciplining kids nowadays when you can't even yell at them.

Weak! Where's the tough love?

Pansy name, nerves of steel.

Everyone's talking today about the plane crash on the hudson river. So, I'll add to the discourse saying the pilot is a hero in my book too. Juevos grandes for sure. And I'll add that the situation worked out as well as it did because people didn't panic, push each other out of the way and get all dramatic. This would not have been my luck. I seem to fly with people who pack their whole closet in their carry-on and then bitch when it doesn't fit into the overhead compartments. You know, the same assholes who take their seatbelt off and fly out of their seats as soon as wheels hit runway. Shit, I'd probably drown myself rather than get into a raft with them.

Back on subject: Sully the pilot (real name is Chesley) saved lives, will get a key to NY and fame. Seems well-deserved in my book. Hope we get to hear from him sooon. Imagine how much $$$ the tv crews are throwing at him to get the first interview? Wonder who'll get it!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Log bandit

Now this is hilarous: a bunch of people EXPLAINING THE INTERNETS. I've always wondered about the difference between a blog and a vlog, but have been afraid to ask. I often avoid ridicule when I can. But now I know the internet is basically "like a cave, with no way out, but there is." I feel so much better.

Famous punches.

I thought this was funny. Some due has a websites where he posts photos of himself being punched by celebrities. That's it. Well, I didn't say it was hilarious. Just funny. Geez, tough crowd.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Depressed about the next Depression (or lack thereof)

There's still headlines every day about the global economy. The news coming in is worse every day. I hear the phrase "recession" every day. And that got me to thinking: if the country has been in a recession since 2007 (yet the government didn't declare until 2008, could we be in a "depression" now (that will ironically be announced next year)? I looked-up "The Great Depression" on Wikipedia and was shocked at the similarities between now and then, particularly in relation to deflation.
"The search for causes is closely connected to the question of how to avoid a future depression, and so the political and policy viewpoints of scholars are mixed into the analysis of historic events eight decades ago. The even larger question is whether it was largely a failure on the part of free markets or largely a failure on the part of governments to curtail widespread bank failures, the resulting panics, and reduction in the money supply."

  1. In early 1930, credit was ample and available at low rates, but people were reluctant to add new debt by borrowing.
  2. Sounds familiar, huh? Everywhere you look right now, there's great deals on flatscreen tv's, houses and cars.

  3. By May 1930, auto sales had declined to below the levels of 1928.
  4. Despite there being good deals on cars now (although it's debatable if buying 1 car at sticker price is a good deal to get another car for a penny), people are preparing for a downturn in 2009.

  5. The decline in the US economy was the factor that pulled down most other countries at first, then internal weaknesses or strengths in each country made conditions worse or better.
  6. Iceland's bankrupt now. Ireland's broke. Canada's doing well, so they're revoking visas for foreign workers.

  7. When the market fell, brokers called in these loans, which could not be paid back. Banks began to fail as debtors defaulted on debt and depositors attempted to withdraw their deposits en masse, triggering multiple bank runs.
  8. Americans borrowing too much money and then defaulting into foreclosure? You're kidding?

  9. Irving Fisher argued that the predominant factor leading to the Great Depression was overindebtedness and deflation. Fisher tied loose credit to over-indebtedness, which fueled speculation and asset bubbles.

9 factors interacting with one another under conditions of debt and deflation to create the mechanics of boom to bust. The chain of events proceeded as follows:

  1. Debt liquidation and distress selling

  2. Contraction of the money supply as bank loans are paid off

  3. A fall in the level of asset prices

  4. A still greater fall in the net worths of business, precipitating bankruptcies

  5. A fall in profits

  6. A reduction in output, in trade and in employment.

  7. Pessimism and loss of confidence

  8. Hoarding of money

  9. A fall in nominal interest rates and a rise in deflation adjusted interest rates

You can do a lot more comparing, but it's pretty scary to think about how serious this all might get (or has gotten already but we're too arrogant to see it).

Friday, January 9, 2009

Tough call.

OK, so I guess they'll both have to be in an issue. Together hopefully!

On a side note, what the hell is going on with Hugh Hefner? Clearly, he's not banging these young blondes all the time. Viagra surely has kept him the game well after he should've retired, but even a drug has limits. He had 3 chicks (Kendra, Holly and Bridget) who obvioulsy cared about him and the Playboy franchise (even if they can't make Hef's taffy pole work). He bounces them for a set of Florida trash twins? Someone call the senile wagon.

No longer Cuban's Cubbies.

Mark Cuban's bid to buy the Cubs from the Tribune Co. is dead in the water. He expalined on his blog, Blog Maverick, to explain what happened. Here's a quick sample I thought was interesting:

My sense of the entire situation was that whoever the new owner of the Cubs would be, it was in the Sox best interest for things to stay business as usual. Published TV ratings and other published measures showed that the Cubs were more popular than the Sox, yet before I even started looking at the Cubs, I knew from my discussions with people in the NBA that the Cubs and Sox were treated as equals in their business dealings. That was great for the Sox, not so good for the Cubs. I'm guessing the people in the Sox organization knew, that if I bought the team, particularly at the price point that was being suggested in the papers, there was no way I would just accept parity in future business dealings. I was going to have to try to negotiate the very best deals possible for the Cubs, even if it was at the expense of the White Sox.

Down with the White Sux!!!

Et tu?

Stumbled on this blog posting for naming what your first beer of 2009 was. The blogger states his was a Bud, which he admits does not bode well for 2009. I wish I could say my first beer de '09 was some hip microbrew (Side note: funny how all of the commenters on his blog are one-uppping each other on their cool first dude said his first in 2009 was a home brew. Yeah, sure.) Mine was a Heinekein. Not something I drink all the time, but I think it's a decent choice. Hell, if the economy keeps going the way it is, I'll be lucky to afford anything other than Natural Light. Natty Light! Ouch.

No Watchmen watches?

Speaking of the Watchmen movie. I can't imagine THIS website is licensed by Warner Borthers to sell products. This goes against everything the graphic novel (and hopefully the movie) wanrs us about society's evils. Keychains? Beanies? Flasks? Sad. I'm seriously hoping the movie studio wouldn't front a lot of movie for this movie's vision, only to taint it with cheap ass marketing. Hope, hope, hope.

Who watches the Watchmen?

Can't wait for this movie to come out already. Based on one of the best graphic novels (if not the best?) ever. There's been some updates to the movie's website and a new website has hit. Nothing to unlock yet, but wait for details as the movie approaches. I hope I'm not disappointed.

I'm in love.

A new Sony Vaio P Series laptop debuted at the Consumer Electronics Convention in Vegas this week. Made by Sony and will retail for $900. It's the smallest laptop yet! I might have to get a new piece of hardware in 2009: Vista, 3G, WiFi, bluetooth and only 1.4 lbs.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

STFU Sarah

I know it's after the election, but Sexy Sarah keeps figuring out new ways to get her name in the papers and is trying soooo desperately to stay in the public spotlight. So, I'll do her a favor and keep talking about her too (even though we're all better off without her). Palin had some choice words during in interview for an anti-Obama documentary recently. (Side note, why were documentaries about Bush or 911 considered anti-American and this one isn't?)

On Caroline Kennedy getting liberal media bias:
I’ve been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled and if she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a microscope. It’s going to be interesting to see how that plays out and I think that as we watch that we will perhaps be able to prove that there is a class issue here also that was such a factor in the scrutiny of my candidacy versus, say, the scrutiny of what her candidacy may be.
First off, how hard is it to read quotes from Palin without her stupid accent running through your head? I can't not do it! Secondly, does her sentence make grammatical sense? I can't follow it and I've read it three times. I think she's saying she was scrutinized pre-election because she's of a lower class than Caroline Kennedy. I mean, no one's arguing she's lower class, but maybe the fact that Kennedy isn't a famewhore seeking attention, means she's less scrutinized? Oh, and the fact that she has chosen to do charity work for her entire adult life, which is indicative of her caring for people other than herself.

On others getting ratings at her expense:
I did see that Tina Fey was named entertainer of the year and Katie Couric’s ratings have risen. And I know that a lot of people are capitalizing on, oh I don’t know, perhaps some exploiting that was done via me, my family, my administration. That’s a little bit perplexing, but it also says a great deal about our society.
One of my pet peeves? When people say "I don't know," yet you know they know exactly what they're saying and/or thinking. I hate that. If Palin is so upset with Fey doing her impressions, why did she go on SNL with her? Why did she say she went as Tina Fey for Halloween? Why has she said multiple times she thought it was funny? Now that the election's over, not so funny. Katie Couric's rating went up not because she took advantage of Palin. She just happened to get lucky enough to capture this moment:

Bet Palin regrets telling Terry he's part of the liberal media bias and using her to get popularity and ratings! Dayum!!

Finally, something on tv to watch. No, seriously.

A new tv show is being developed, called "Flash Forward," which sounds cool. Some great talent working on it too, including actors Joseph Fiennes and John Cho. The best part: David Goyer is penning the script! His past efforts have created such genius as Blade (he atacually wrote all 3 movies), Dark City and The Dark Knight.

Imagine if the pierced girl kept in touch?

There's a tv show on WTTW that films in Chicago called "Check, Please!" The show is a half hour where 3 Chicagoland patrons highlight their favorite restaurant, they each eat at each other's suggested locales, and then they compare notes. It's a entertaining show because you get to see wide variety of restaurants from all of Chi-town and it's burbs. On January 16th, a lost episode of the show will be airing, because it was never aired during the show's first season in 2001. The lost episode is being aired mainly because of one of the guest reviewers on that particular episode:

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Skiing mishap

Judging by the title of this post, you might be expecting some horrible story about someone (or even myself) breaking a leg or arm while skiing. Or someone running into a tree and dying. Well, rest assured, this posting is about a man who falls through a ski lift and dangles naked while waiting for rescue. You can go HERE to read details about the mishap and to view photos of the incident, courtesy of "The Smoking Gun" website. The photos aren't that NSFW. (Is a photo of a flabby butt flapping in the wind not safe for work? OK, so it is.) But, the pics are most definitely VFFV (Very Funny For Viewing).

There's no frontal nekkidness in the photos, but I swear in one pic you can see that far of a distance! Dude, buy some scissors for the ladies.

Wonder if it's true his kid was in the seat with him. Worst. Father-and-son story. Ever.

Monday, January 5, 2009

He makes great boardgames AND can hit.

The Cubs have apparently found their left-handed bat for the middle of the order.
Switch-hitter Milton Bradley is expected in Chicago later this week to undergo a physical, and if all goes well, will sign a three-year, $30 million contract with the Cubs. Bradley, 30, led the American League in on-base percentage last year while batting .321 with 22 homers for Texas.

The Cubs have been searching for a way to break up the overload of right-handed hitters in Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez and Geovany Soto, and on New Year's Eve, dealt another right-handed hitter, Mark DeRosa, to the Indians.

With the addition of two switch-hitters in Bradley and Aaron Miles, acquired last week, plus lefty bats Kosuke Fukudome, Joey Gathright and Mike Fontenot, the Cubs appear to have the potential for a much more balanced lineup in '09.

Er, doesn't Fukudome have to actually connect the bat to the ball to be deemed a lefty?
This will be Bradley's seventh team and fifth in the past five seasons. He can be a force on the field but also has had run-ins with managers and fans in the past.

And this is goood, since the Cubs were looking to add instability and ego to the line-up...

Don't mess with Ozzy.

Even if you have never watched this trashy show (Rock of Love), this is pretty funny, Springer-time! Sharon Osborne beating down a skank:

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Netflix environmentally friendly?

Yep, it is! posted an article about whether it's bettter for the environment to rent locally at a store or rent via Netflix. In a nutshell, Netflix doesn't add the extra fuel burnage sending vidoes to a large warehouse before hitting the store shelves. Plus, having videos delivered with the mail eliminates driving to the store (which burns gas again).

Of course, if you can find options to rent/view on digital cable or online, even better for the environment. Be the solution, while enjoying life!

Happy New Year! Hope it starts better than these folks..